Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
