i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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