the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
