I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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