I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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