I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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