Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
