I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
