Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
