why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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