My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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