i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Randomize
