Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
