she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I think your dad took our porno
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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