My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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