Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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