You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
