true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
