It's like a parade of train wrecks.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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