you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
