He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
