Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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