Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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