Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
