She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
