playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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