guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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