I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
