your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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