The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
