some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
