A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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