I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
