I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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