I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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