3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
