wrigley field is MILF paradise
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
