I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
