I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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