The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
