and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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