No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
