Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
