Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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