I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
