I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
