life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
