if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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