the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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