she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
